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Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.
Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many. I'll have 1000 pieces of noodle.
Bananas are the opposite of stoplights, because with a stoplight it's like green means go ahead, yellow means slow down, and red means wait. On bananas green means you have to wait, yellow means go ahead, and red means where the fuck did you get that banana at?
Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
Tortillas are sleeping bags for ground beef.
A sleeping bag is a tortilla for a human.
Popsicles are for the summertime.
I don't have a microwave but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks shit.
[Pointing to drink] Man, look at all the limes in this thing! This is fuckin' tropical, man! And see how they float, that's good to know. Next time I'm on a boat and it capsizes, I will reach for a lime. I'll be water skiiing without a life preserver, and people will be like, 'What the fuck?' and I will pull out a lime. Saved by the buoyancy of citrus!
I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.
You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and it still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast.
They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank! "What's a sesame seed grow into? I don't know, we never give them a chance. What the fuck is a sesame?! It's a street. It's a way to open shit. How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun. Now your bun will look spectacular!
Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.
I was at a fair, and they were having a contest. It said, "Guess how many jelly beans there are in the jar" and you win a prize. "Ah c'mon, man, lemme just haaaave some. Tell you what, you guess how many I want. If you said a handful, you are correct."
"I have long hair, and see, people associate long hair with drug use. I wish long hair was associated with something other than drug use, like 'an extreme longing for cake'. People would see a guy with long hair and say "damn, that fucker eats cake, he's on bundt cake". Mothers telling their daughters "don't bring the cake-eater over here anymore, he smells like flour. Did you notice how his eyes widened when he found out your birthday was fast approaching?"
Sometimes the hotel I stay at has a minibar. A minibar is a machine that makes everything... expensive. And when I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'm gonna replace it before they can check me off and charge me. But they make that shit impossible to replace. I go to the store, "Do you have Coke in a glass harmonica? Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refrigerator, blender....all you do is say what the shit does, and add "er". I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that's a "Fresher" ...I'm going on break.
I think you like me better now, I should do my show over again. *repeats first part of the first joke told in the special* heh.. Mitch Hedberg's 90 minute special.
I've always wanted to handcuff a suitcase to my wrist.... alright [Audience laughs.] That's not a full joke there, that's filler .....wow, the list is bending up ... I can't read it
(After replugging in his microphone) I hate puzzles.
I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone needs to get a hold of me, they just say, "Mitch," and I say, "What?" and turn my head slightly.
I hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number. Something like 222-2222. I would say, "Sweet." People would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I would say, "Just press 2 for a while, and when I answer, you will know that you have pressed 2 enough."
Last week I helped my friend stay put. It's a lot easier than helping someone move. I just went over to his house and made sure that he did not start to load shit into a truck.
I was at a bar once, and no one was talking to me 'cuz I just did a show, and I ran into a guy, and instead of saying "Excuse me" he said, "Get the hell out of my way," so I said, "Go to hell," and I ran away. He caught up to me. He had on a hat, a nose ring, an eyebrow ring, a goatee, a tongue ring, and 3 earings. He said, "Hey, man, you have a lot of nerve," and then I said "Hey, man, you have a lot of... cranial accessories." [crowd laughs] You guys are a smart crowd. When I do the dumber crowds, I have to say, "Hey, man, you have a lot of shit on your head!"
I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
If you get lost in the woods, fuck it, build a house! I used to be lost, but now I live here! I have severely improved my predicament!
I wanna see a forklift lift a crate of forks. It would be so damn literal for me. You're using that machine for its exact purpose; that machine has been misunderstood for years!
I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
If 13 is an unlucky number, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association. "12, I know I saw you with 13." "No I wasn't, I was with 11. You talk to 14 about that shit." "What do you have to say, 14?" "If you divide me by 2, you get 7... alright, I was with 13, shit."
Gonna have to sweeten some of these jokes. That's a showbiz term for "add sugar to."
This shit is funny, why are you guys not laughing? Well, actually, this is not funny shit. Funny shit would be if you took a shit, and it came out looking like a... sword.
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lizardmanbebo's journal
weird
chipper